She sat in front of me quietly and slid her diary across the table.
“Read this,” she said and opened it to one specific page.
The words were written in big, heavy letters:

“Who would want a daughter like me?
Who would want a sister like me?
A friend… let alone love?”

I looked up at her. The interesting thing is this:
I know this girl very well. I have been working with her for the past 2 months.

I know her parents  … supportive, present, deeply concerned about her.
I know her younger brother who spends his pocket money on small gifts for her and hugs her every day.
I see the friends she runs around with at school.
I see the boys lining up to talk to her.

By all visible measures, this girl is loved. And yet, inside her own mind, she lives in a completely different reality, thinking she is unworthy.

This is something I see very often when working with teenagers and even adults, especially those who are neurodivergent or who have experienced repeated emotional misunderstandings or trauma.

Their life might contain love, support, friendships and opportunities. But the identity they carry inside themselves tells a completely different story. It is as if two versions of themselves exist at the same time.

I call these two versions the lower identity and the higher identity.

The lower identity is not a person’s true nature. It is the identity built from criticism, abuse, misunderstandings, repeated failure experiences, social comparison, emotional overwhelm, labels placed on them by others etc.

Over time, these experiences start forming a story:
I am difficult. I am too much. I’m not good enough. I’m weak. I ruin things. People only tolerate me. Nobody understands me.

When a child or teenager lives inside this story long enough, it begins to feel like the truth, even when reality shows the opposite.

But every person also carries another version of themselves. I call this the higher identity. The higher identity is not built from wounds. It is built from core values, natural strengths, curiosity, courage, compassion, the ability to grow etc

The higher identity is the version of a person that appears when they act from their values rather than from their wounds. I would like to call it their true identity. When they align with who they really are inside and what they believe in.

If a girl that is obviously loved and cared for can create this narrative… what about those who don’t have it as obvious… whose parents may not be there as they should? Those who struggle with friendships not because there is something wrong with them but just because they didn’t find their own tribe yet? What about those who have lived through trauma at the hands of adults that should have taken care of them but didn’t. And so many others.

One of the biggest mistakes adults make is assuming that children will automatically grow into their higher identity. They don’t.

If no one helps them question the story in their head, the lower identity slowly becomes permanent.  And that is how bright, kind, capable teenagers grow into adults who live a life that is way under their capabilities.

The lower identity

When someone has trauma or is neurodivergent (especially ADHD, autism, or AuDHD, dyslexia), their nervous system is often under more pressure. Because of that, they can spend more time operating from what you call the “lower self” …  not because they are weak, but because their brain is trying to protect them or survive.

At first, the lower self is just a temporary coping state. For example, defensiveness, impulsive reactions, withdrawal, anger, people-pleasing or control.
But if someone stays there long enough, the brain begins to believe that this is who I am. So, the false beliefs and coping strategies become identity … the wrong one.

The lower is the identity that is protective. Such as when we don’t even start to hope then there won’t be any risk of being hurt.

When we avoid certain situations, we can’t get hurt. That’s nice … but the problem with this is that you can’t just shut down the negative sides. If you shut down, you shut down everything.

That means… if you shut down hope you also shut down the chance to ever get lucky.
If you don’t jump into opportunities without safety net you may miss out on the biggest blessing on planet earth.

So, you protected yourself, but you pay a high price for it. Interestingly enough, you think you will pay a price if you do risk things, that’s why you avoid it. Maybe. But the price is higher if you don’t in the long run.
Let me give you a few examples. I’ll attach more at the bottom.
If your core value is courage. Then your higher self operates from a place of courage

The lower self however would cope through aggression. And the narrative becomes I’m an angry person instead of I’m courageous.Independence is the higher self operating system. In survival mode, this gets translated into avoidance. And this creates the false identity of “I don’t need anyone”.
Sensitivity becomes hypervigilance and turns into “the world can’t be trusted”

When someone stays in the lower self long enough, the nervous system adapts. It starts expecting rejection, danger, criticism, betrayal and chaos. So even neutral situations are interpreted as threats.

This is why trauma and ADHD often create rejection sensitivity, emotional overreactions, misreading social signals, burnout and identity confusion. The brain is basically running survival software all the time.

The higher self requires reflection, calm, self-awareness, emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility. But if the nervous system is constantly in fight / flight / freeze, those systems go offline.

So the person knows who they want to be but cannot access it consistently. Many people then say things like they don’t recognize themselves sometimes.
That’s because two versions of the self exist, but the nervous system is locking them into the lower one.

Environmental reinforcement

And then what happens is environmental reinforcement. If someone operates mostly from the lower self, they attract people and situations who match that “energy”.
Healthy people may withdraw and conflict becomes frequent. And over time this creates a self-confirming loop that people can’t be trusted.

For example if your lower identity copes with everything through people pleasing, you will naturally attract all the people that want to take advantage of you.
People pleasing has the underlying core value of connection or responsibility.
The higher self however expresses those same core values through setting boundaries.

People pleasers need approval to feel secure in their lower self. The higher self builds relationships based on authenticity.
Responsibility shows in its lower self in feeling responsible for everyone, in the higher form it takes responsibility for their own actions.
You see the difference; of the kind of people you will let into your life based on from which place you react?

Consequences of living in the lower identity

And since living in the lower self is extremely tiring as you are in constant vigilance, suppression of emotions or exploding emotions, masking, defending oneself many people with trauma or ADHD reach a point of burnout or collapse. This is often the moment when real growth starts.

Unfortunately often later in life when they have already lived decades in pain. And some people even never get the awareness.
They just function. They don’t live. They do what needs to be done. They solve problems, keep things running. They take care of others … and perform roles. But the inner experience is flat or mechanical. They often feel numb, exhausted, empty, in constant tension. They are going through the motions.

They have learned that being fully alive is not safe. So, they choose efficiency instead. Control. Predictability. Safety. Avoidance of pain. Don’t feel too much. Just keep going.

When people stay there for a long time, they often lose access to parts of themselves like playfulness, deep joy, curiosity, spontaneity, creativity and emotional openness.

The brain adapts to this and learns that alertness is normal. Tension is normal.  Problem-solving is normal. Emotional suppression is normal. That’s their new baseline.  And even when the environment gets calmer the brain still thinks about staying ready, something will happen, bracing itself for the next thing.

When someone has lived long enough in survival mode, calm can feel strange or even uncomfortable.
So unconsciously they create activity again. Overworking, solving other people’s problems, staying busy, avoiding stillness. Not because they want to suffer but because the brain prefers familiar states over unknown ones. Even if those are bad.

Over time, the person begins to define themselves by roles like the strong one, the helper, the problem solver, the responsible one, the one who keeps everything together.

These roles often bring respect or appreciation or belonging.
The brain then becomes reward-oriented toward productivity. Achievement equals safety.
If I perform well, people don’t criticize me. If I take care of everything, things don’t collapse. If I stay strong, I won’t get hurt.
So the dopamine system rewards doing, not being.
Simply resting becomes strangely empty at first.

When a person’s nervous system learns that their value comes from functioning, the person slowly loses access to other parts of themselves.

They are no longer living a life.
They are running a system.

With time the system begins to push back. People start experiencing things like emotional exhaustion, irritability, loss of motivation, difficulty concentrating, brain fog, increased sensitivity to stress, feeling overwhelmed by things that used to be manageable, and functioning becomes difficult or even impossible.

What comes with this is that emotional access was never practiced. Living also requires skills that survival mode suppresses. Such as feeling emotions safely, slowing down, connecting with the body, experiencing pleasure without guilt.
If these skills are never practiced, people fall back into merely functioning.
But there is nothing normal about this baseline!

Lower identity behaviours are often misinterpreted.
Teachers, parents, and even therapists sometimes believe they are seeing the child’s “true personality”. But very often they are simply seeing the protective system of a wounded identity. The real work is not suppressing those behaviours. The real work is helping the person question the story that created them.

And this is what I do every single day in my work.
The impact it has is nothing short of amazing. Let me tell you the story of 2 young boys.

Last year I was called into a school for just this one boy in particular. He was always late, didn’t pay attention, lost all motivation to do anything in life, just sat there with his headphones, aggressive when triggered, avoidance, and the list is long.
I worked with him on his lower and higher identity. A few months later he gets up at 6am in the morning to go to the gym before school, takes a shower and goes to school. He pays attention, he is positive and funny, has his friends, very calm and grounded, mature minded, with vision for his future, actively searching for universities, grades went up from C, D and F to A and B without any tutoring.

Another boy the same. Gave up on life. Life is shit. Why am I still here? Everyone is stupid. This country sucks. People suck. They have no brain. What’s school good for? I will end up selling Kebab anyways. Avoidance of difficult things, leave alone new things. Control. Giving up quickly. “I don’t care”, defensive, at the same time saying yes to everything peers said trying to fit in …
A few months later … excited about life, making plans, trying new things, found new friends that aligned with his core, saying no to things and people he doesn’t agree with but still flexible when needed, listens and cares, on the bus I heard him discuss the meaning of life with a girl next to him … grades also went up by 2 marks without tutoring.

The good news is that the higher self never dies.
Long periods in survival mode can bury that part, but they don’t erase it. The challenge is to even get to the place of awareness. And then have the courage to step into the true self.
Because the true self was the version that received all the criticism and other things beforehand. But now you are older, you can set boundaries, you can choose your people, you can choose your environment. Noone else can do that for you.

And when that happens, this is what we call an identity shift. Some people have one in their 30s, some in their 40s, I know kids who had it at the age of 15, many people never have one… it has no age… it has experience.

The brain can learn new baselines through things like safe relationships, body-based practices (like martial arts, breath work etc), creative expression, play, environments where the person can be authentic.
Interestingly many people rediscover living through the body first, not through thinking.

And then what happens when people leave the function mode, they suddenly feel grief first, then anger, then sadness… a strong sense of lost years. It’s good like this. It’s you finally processing what had been suppressed.

After a little while then the new baseline is set.
And this is what you are looking at, when you come out on the other side.
You can naturally shift between states. You can be alert and focussed when solving a problem. Relaxed when nothing urgent is happening. Playful and curious when exploring something new, emotionally open when connecting with others. Restful when the body needs recovery. The system activates when needed and deactivates afterward whereas before it was constantly activated.

You can sit quietly without feeling restless, enjoy simple things and not feel the need to fix something.

Your identity is broader than the roles you gave yourself. The healthy baseline is not limited to being useful. You can be productive sometimes, playful other times, vulnerable sometimes, messy other times, strong sometimes …
The worth is not conditional on functioning, but on simply being.

Emotions move and don’t feel stuck. Sadness can appear and pass. Anger can arise and be expressed appropriately, joy can be felt without guilt, affection can be expressed and received openly. In survival mode emotions are often suppressed, delayed or intellectualized.

The body regularly returns to rest …not permanently calm but able to return to calm.

Curiosity replaces hypervigilance. In survival mode the brain constantly scans for threats. In a normal baseline it becomes curiosity

Living feels lighter than functioning!

The lower identity is not who someone is. It is who they became while trying to survive. The higher identity is who they become when the survival mindset is no longer running the story, and they are finally free to live. But it all starts within yourself. No shift of circumstances will bring this for you. When you begin questioning the story you have been living by and you start within yourself, the outside world will follow.

Identity work is not about fixing people.
It is about helping them remember who they were before the world convinced them they were something else.

Underneath you find a list of possible distortions of the higher and lower self ….


One value, two different expressions

One of the most important things to understand is this: the lower identity is often built around a real strength. The problem is not the core value itself. The problem is what happens to that value under pressure, trauma, chronic stress, rejection, shame, or nervous system dysregulation. Then courage can turn into aggression. Sensitivity can turn into hypervigilance. Independence can turn into avoidance. Loyalty can turn into control.

That is why identity work matters so much. We are not trying to remove parts of a person. We are trying to help those parts return to their healthy expression.
The following examples show how core values can look when they are regulated, and how they can distort when they are forced into protection mode.

Examples of some core values in their regulated expression (higher self) and protective distortion (lower self)

Core Value	Regulated expression , higher identity (Integrated)	Protective Distortion, lower identity (Threatened)
Competence	Mastery, learning, steady improvement	Perfectionism, proving, fear of mistakes
Dignity	Calm self-respect, composed boundaries	Pride, cold withdrawal, defensiveness
Loyalty	Faithful to people and principles	Blind loyalty, resentment, betrayal sensitivity
Respect	Mutual regard, calm expectations	Easily offended, status sensitivity
Structure	Supportive systems, stability	Rigidity, micromanagement, control
Responsibility	Reliable, accountable	Overburdening, martyrdom
Courage	Acting despite fear	Recklessness or avoidance
Honesty	Truth with care	Brutal honesty, harshness
Integrity	Alignment between words and actions	Moral superiority, judgment
Discipline	Consistency and self-control	Harsh self-criticism, rigidity
Justice	Fairness and balance	Punitive thinking, revenge
Leadership	Guiding others calmly	Dominance, controlling
Independence	Self-reliance with connection	Isolation, refusal of help
Belonging	Healthy connection to group	Conformity or rejection sensitivity
Authority	Responsible use of influence	Power struggles
Humility	Realistic self-view	Self-doubt or self-erasure
Compassion	Caring and empathy	Over-giving, self-sacrifice
Patience	Calm tolerance of delay	Passivity or suppressed anger
Curiosity	Open exploration	Restlessness, distraction
Creativity	Expressive innovation	Chaos, lack of follow-through
Flexibility	Adaptive thinking	Lack of boundaries
Confidence	Trust in one’s abilities	Arrogance or insecurity
Authenticity	Being genuine	Oversharing or defensiveness
Generosity	Giving freely	People-pleasing
Playfulness	Lightness and joy	Immaturity or avoidance
Stability	Reliability and grounding	Resistance to change
Ambition	Growth orientation	Workaholism
Protection	Safeguarding others	Controlling behavior
Wisdom	Perspective and reflection	Intellectual arrogance
Resilience	Recovering from difficulty	Emotional suppression
Peacefulness	Calm presence	Conflict avoidance
Order	Clarity and organization	Obsession with control
Honor	Living by principles	Reputation obsession
Trust	Healthy openness	Naivety or suspicion
Commitment	Steady dedication	Stubbornness
Self-Respect	Valuing oneself	Ego defensiveness
Controlled Strength	Power with restraint	Intimidation
Accountability	Owning actions	Self-blame or blame shifting
Adaptability	Adjusting to change	Instability
Gratitude	Appreciating life	Toxic positivity
Openness	Willingness to learn	Lack of boundaries