Emotional safety is hard to receive when you are not used to it.

One of the most recurring things I come across when I’m with older kids or adults is the topic of receiving.

I’m often the first person in the children’s lives who offers them emotional safety.

And since they are not used to it, it is hard for them to receive it because they don’t know what to do with it.
It confuses them.

They wonder where the catch is.
Already preparing inside to be let down.
“This is too good to be true. That doesn’t happen to me.”

So instead of it giving them comfort, it makes them feel unsafe.

They don’t know what to do when someone finally looks at them without judgment.

When someone listens.

When someone sees the messy parts and the beautiful parts…
and still stays.

Because for many of them, emotional safety has never been consistent.

So when they finally feel it, the first reaction isn’t trust.

It’s fear…

Fear of being disappointed again.
Fear of hoping for something good.
Fear of losing it.

Just a few days ago, a boy who had a certain “troublemaker” reputation came to me and asked if he could talk to me openly because he feels like I’m the only one who actually listens. And I did. He came again a few days later to talk more.

A couple of days later, a girl came to me and asked if she could talk to me.
That boy told her she could trust me… and she opened up with something very vulnerable, which I was honored she trusted me with.

This keeps happening.

Children testing the waters…
slowly showing me who they really are inside…
carefully checking if I judge and if I stay.

I listen.
I don’t judge, because I know behavior is communication …  it’s not who they really are inside.

I get curious and want to know their story so that I can understand where they are coming from.

The question for me is never “do I stay with that child yes or no” :
It is … show me your truth so I can see your needs!

So I know .. “Handle with care!
Do you need closeness or do you need space?
Do you need to speak or do you need to be heard….”?

And when they speak and tell me about their deepest feelings and screw ups … I tell them stories where I messed up in a similar way so they don’t feel judged and they know they are not alone with this.

One day my little daughter made a big mess at the breakfast table by accident.
She just looked at me and simply said:
“It’s ok, mummy, we all make mistakes. We just have to repair it.”
And she went to take a towel, humming, cleaning up and continuing breakfast in her happy little mood.

That was the moment when I knew I did something right as a mother, or … human being.

And this is exactly how I want other children to feel … safe … safe to make mistakes, safe to be honest, safe to share their real emotions , because only then can I show them the reality behind it and how to deal with what comes up in a healthy way. Not to hide.

Sometimes the connection builds quite fast. Especially when children feel you understand their core.
But in some cases it takes a lot of patience, giving space, consistency… most people don’t have or give that.

And since these children learned that most people can’t give that… they become hyper-attuned and hypervigilant.

And every time, I think:
Receiving safety can often be harder than giving it.

Because receiving requires unlearning.

It requires courage to give up survival strategies that don’t serve us anymore… which makes us feel naked and unprotected.

Rewiring.
Letting someone in.
Letting your nervous system believe that this time, the person won’t disappear.

In short… in order to become who you were meant to be…
someone has to die!

This old part of yourself has to die so that the new part of you can bloom.

But it’s very scary, and many people don’t have the courage to go through that because they weren’t held safely for long enough.

They learned… “If I am a certain way, or show the full range of emotions that I have… people will leave.”
Physically or emotionally … either way.

And your system is cautious because it learned to protect you.
So it closes fast… especially when people stay.

It needs patience, understanding, consistency, and space to heal this.

Most people don’t get the luxury of experiencing this, so it feels unfamiliar.

There is an extra layer to this when it comes to neurodivergent and traumatized children.

It sometimes feels like it’s impossible for them to receive emotional safety.

Let me explain to you why.

Neurodivergent and trauma-touched kids (and adults!) feel strongly and deeply.
Most people don’t … not at this level.

So when they finally meet someone with the same emotional depth, it doesn’t match the blueprint they have.

It’s like they have no template in their mind on how to deal with that, because in their lives they met people who don’t have the same depth.
They have templates for that, but not for somebody who is at the same level.

So the brain goes blank…
unfamiliar means dangerous…
means needs protection…
means prepare for the worst…
means sabotage it – even though it’s the healthiest thing.

What adds to this is that ND and trauma children, in most cases, have learned that their needs are not important.

Parents are inconsistent with their emotional availability because they themselves are overwhelmed.

At school … the kids come up with the right strategies  to deal with everything but are punished for them.

An example I often see in school is a child needing space because of overwhelm (too much noise, too many people, smells, didn’t sleep well, didn’t eat, the dog died, trauma from home… whatever the reasons).

The child asks to go to the bathroom just to be able to breathe… stays “too long”… and gets sent to admin, getting detention for “wasting time and not wanting to follow class”.

It drives me insane.

An overwhelmed child needs more than 2 minutes in the bathroom to self-regulate.

So the child did what he needed to do in order not to explode in everyone’s face.He did everything right! – But he gets punished for it.
Crazy, isn’t it?

And those situations accumulate in different shapes.
In school.
At home.
With “friends”, extended family, …

What does he learn?

“My needs are not important. Others’ are. Not me.”

“Don’t make the teacher, mum, dad, aunt, grandma, goldfish feel bad.
You are strong! Stronger than them!”
Better you are the one feeling bad.
Because apparently their needs are more important.”

Are they?
They are the adults.
You are the child!

They are responsible for themselves.
You are a child!
You can not be responsible!

Your life on this earth hasn’t been long enough to have the experience to deal with things the way an adult has. Adults are responsible … for themselves … for the children around them.

Their reaction is not a child’s responsibility.
It’s on the adult to help the child understand themselves and find healthy outlets.

I’m not blaming the adults (or… actually I do, to a certain degree).
Most do this because they are unaware, and once they become aware, they change their approach. I love those!
But then you have others who are just unteachable no matter how much you explain the inner world of a child… but anyhow…

So the kids shut down their emotions.
Don’t show anyone.

In the long run though… shutting down your emotions will bleed through… onto others.

You think you’re doing others a service by not showing your emotions, suppressing your needs, putting others’ needs above your own. Maybe they will stay.

But what are you expecting to feel inside with this?
Happy?
Fulfilled?
Free?
Creative?

So you end up unknowingly punishing the people around you because you get easily frustrated, emotionally unstable…
Some days you are cool, others like a dragon, others just non-existent.
Unpredictable for those around you.
Not safe.

Even though inside in their core they may the safest person you will ever find…
if only they would allow themselves to feel the emotions, move through them, and ask for their needs to be met.

It’s a human right.
It’s not a favor or something one has to work for.
It’s a basic human right that comes with birth by merely existing.

So those children have learned that their needs are not important.
They learn to shut their emotions down.

Silence is safety.
Need is burden.
Expressing emotions becomes a weakness (especially for boys!).

Children who grow up like this don’t think:
“My parents, teachers, school, system failed me.”

They think:
“My needs are wrong.”
“My feelings are dangerous.”
“I should never want too much.”

It becomes a core identity.

What I see on a daily basis in the school… so many kids grow up with parents being absent.

I see single mothers, dads working in other countries and coming home every X months … that’s physical absence.

But then there is also emotional absence, which is just as bad.

And how often do I see that…
Being physically in the same room but not being present with the child.
Being on the phone nonstop.
Preferring to focus on work while kids are there.
Shouting and getting frustrated … not because the child did anything, but because of the stress of daily life.

That creates inconsistent or unreliable presence.

The child internalizes:
“If even my father or mother didn’t stay (physically or emotionally!!), why would anyone else?”

That becomes:
“Don’t need anything from anyone.”
“Don’t let anyone close enough to hurt you.”
“Be the strong one so nobody sees your weakness.”

So they hide their sadness, confusion, pain, fear, fondness … any soft emotion really.

They learn… if I stay low-maintenance, everything stays calm.
So they suppress their real feelings.

The result is a false self, emotional numbness, feelings stacking up until the pressure explodes:
anger outbursts, anxiety, panic, self-sabotage… and the list continues.

Emotional safety… non-existent.

If somebody now shows up and offers exactly that … the suppressed emotions wake up.

This is beautiful on one side and terrifying at the same time.

It’s actually the most dangerous thing for this person at that time, because if they give in to feeling safe… they could lose everything. Again!

They need proof and reassurance over and over again that you will not leave.
Again… patience, understanding, space, consistency.

They push you to your limit at times. They literally try to make you run just to be able to tell themselves: “See? I knew it.”

But they are at the wrong address with me because I know what they are doing, and I’m not going anywhere until I know they are safe.

Emotional safety can only be given with emotional honesty. And emotional honesty can only be given with emotional safety.

It needs two people in the story…
and someone has to break that cycle…

and it’s not on the child to do that…
but the adult in the room!

And now guess who that is?

TL;DR:

Emotional safety is hard to receive when children (and adults) have never experienced it consistently.
Many neurodivergent and trauma-touched kids learned that their needs don’t matter, that emotions are dangerous, and that closeness leads to disappointment. So when someone finally offers real safety, they feel fear, confusion, or even sabotage the connection.

What helps?
Patience. Consistency. Space. Emotional honesty.
Understanding that behaviour is communication, not identity.
Showing children that mistakes are repairable, feelings are allowed, and needs are valid.

Emotional safety requires unlearning old survival patterns.
It takes an adult who stays … who listens without judgment … to break the cycle.
Because receiving safety is often harder than giving it… and it’s never the child’s job to fix the system, but the adult’s.