This morning I read a post where an influencer listed everything “horrific” about having an AuDHD brain…

Negative point after negative point.
No strengths of an AuDHD brain.
No balance.
No solutions.

Honestly?
If you weren’t depressed before reading it, you definitely were after.

And this kind of narrative triggers me every single time.

Because yes… AuDHD brains have downsides.
Just like… neurotypical brains have downsides.
And both have advantages.

It all depends on the environment we are in… the environments we create for ourselves.

If I compare an emergency responder and a scientist in a laboratory…
I certainly do hope they have different kinds of brains!

One is a sprinter… fast, reactive and explosive.
One is a diver… slow, deep and precise.
Put the sprinter in the laboratory for 10 hours… he will go crazy.
Put the diver in an emergency siren situation… she will freeze.

Each one excelling in their area of expertise.
So why are we still categorizing brains as “good” or “bad”?

Everyone’s brain has strengths.
Everyone’s brain has weaknesses.
We are human beings. No one on this planet has it all together.
No one!

Take responsibility and use the strengths, accept the weaknesses, and stop apologizing for who you are!

We are not meant to be alike and we are not meant to be best friends with everyone on this planet… ND or NT.
Fit belongs where it fits. And people are supposed to complement each other.
We are social beings.

The real problem is not the brain.
The only ND people I see suffering are usually the ones not living authentically.
The ones who are unapologetically being themselves are doing better than everyone else.

But it’s the masking that hurts.
Forcing yourself into groups that aren’t yours.
Trying to be something you are not.

There is a story I read so many years ago, but it never left my mind ever since.

A man found an eagle’s egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen.
The eaglet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them.

All his life the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken.
He scratched the earth for worms and insects.
He clucked and cackled.
And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old.

One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky.
It glided in graceful majesty among the powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.

The old eagle looked up in awe. “Who’s that?” he asked.

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbour. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth — we’re chickens.”

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was.
Credit: Anthony de Mello.

I have a group of almost grown-up children in the school who are at the point where they are trying to find out who they really are.
They are starting to take the left turn, the masks are starting to weigh heavy.

They start coming up with copying strategies they themselves are not happy with and are blaming themselves for.
They don’t understand what’s going on or why things are the way they are.
Why they don’t fit in.
Why they are different.

I think the problem is not that they are different.
The problem is that they think being different is a bad thing.

But truth is… nothing great ever came out of ordinary.
People who changed the world have never been ordinary people.
So why do you want to be ordinary?

The problem is that your self-confidence is so low that you are afraid of standing in the spotlight and owning it.
So you shrink yourself.
Trying to fit into a box, because it feels safe.

But it is not safe.
It’s like a child you put into prison.
It will work for a while.
But the child will grow, and the box will get too small… until the box will explode in your face.

This is the time where you will find many NDs at the psychologists or numbing themselves with addictions of any sort and behaviors that make them feel alive.

Back to your story…

If you were just being yourself, you live authentically, you will find your people because they are like you and recognize you as an eagle.
But if you dress up as a chicken and behave like a chicken… you will never soar.

Live among eagles and you will learn to fly.
Because they understand each other better than anyone else.

So learn about yourself.
Know who you are.
Know how you function.
And live accordingly and don’t care about what other people think of you.

The people who matter and care about you will stay.
You will lose some and you will gain many.

This is what the kids have to learn.
Different is a good thing!

And YOU are the one who creates the life around you that fits you.
But you can’t do that if you don’t know who you really are inside and how you function and what you need in order to fly.

Nobody can answer this question for you and nobody should judge you for it either.

Because everyone is on their own with this one.
Yes, we have people around who support us and are there for us, but the inner work can only be done by yourself.

Nobody else has your brain, not your experiences in life, not your circumstances — so it’s impossible to tell you how you should function.
And it’s even more crazy to look at other people and try to be like them when they have a completely different life.

Don’t complain about your brain or your life, your conditions, when you didn’t find the courage to have an honest look at yourself and figure out what you need in order to excel in life in your own way.

Neurodivergence is an explanation… not an excuse.

I’m a very compassionate and empathetic person and I’m always there for whoever needs me…
but my empathy stops with people who know they have something to work on but are not putting in the work and then complain about their lives.

If you take the decision you want to stay small, then this is your decision — but don’t complain then… because it was your choice!

Before you get defensive…
I never said it will be easy.
Of course, trauma, burnout, survival mode… fear (!) make it hard to do this work… been there, bought the t-shirt!
But the truth is… avoiding the truth forever will not heal you.
It will just make it worse.

I talked to a 14-year-old girl regarding this the other day.
We talked about what we will work on and I told her that I will tell her the truth…

I’m not able to tell her that everything will be fine and that things will be easy.
I told her whether things will be fine will depend on how much work she will put into herself.
But I will be with her until the end.

She started crying and told me that this is the first time in her life somebody honestly told her this.
“Other people just tell the flat sentences like ‘everything will be OK’.
But I felt those are empty and just lies.”

I know.
Because they are.

We try to soothe others, but there are times where soothing is not helping the long arc.
Sometimes we have to sit with uncomfortable feelings in order to recognize things.

You have an issue and you work on it… even if it takes 10 years…
I’m all in with you, no matter how messy it gets.

If you are deciding to stay small and you consciously own it and don’t complain and feel sorry for yourself… I’m right there. Whatever you feel is best for you.

But you pretend to be fine and just complain about how bad life is while knowing something is off but refusing to take a look…
I’m out.

I’m walking by your sides but I won’t make you dependent on me and I won’t help you stay small when you could be something amazing.

So learn about yourself…
work on yourself…
and live your magnificent life.

You are the one who creates your environment…
the people in it, the circumstances of it…

Why do you work in a 9 to 5 job in front of a computer if your brain is made for the contrary?
And then you wonder why you get depressed?

You are not meant to sit 10h in front of a screen.
You were made for movement… or for creativity… or whatever else.
And then you blame your brain for living against yourself?

Change your job and see how you unfold.

How often have I met people…
If they worked a 9 to 5 job, they would get medication … but since they created an environment that fits their brain, they don’t need it.

Isn’t that proof alone that the brain is not the issue?

It’s like putting a fish into the forest and wondering why that thing is barely breathing and is not climbing trees …

Why don’t you excel at climbing trees?
Because I would beat you big time once we both were in water and had a swimming competition but not here!!

What are you doing?

You are running a race that is not yours.
And then you complain?

Why do you enter a running competition when you have fins instead of legs?
And then beat yourself up for not being the same as others … instead of putting yourself into water and swimming gracefully like a dolphin.

Put the dolphin in water.
Put the eagle in the sky.
Put your brain in the environment it was designed for
… and watch what happens.