1 Behavior is just the surface
2 What’s really happening inside
3 When self-worth fades
4 Words don’t build confidence … actions do
5 Kids notice everything
6 “What are your strengths?”
7 How beliefs are built (and broken)
8 Prove the strengths!
9 A family sees their child differently
10 Stop fixing behavior — protect the child within

TL;DR: Behavior isn’t the real problem.
It’s a signal that a child is losing confidence, self-worth, and their sense of who they are.
Kids don’t believe words — they believe action, presence, and proof.
Help them rebuild their inner belief by recognizing their strengths and finding real evidence for what makes them amazing.


Most of the time people call me for “behavior problems” and outside visible issues with the kids (or themselves).

“They talk too much, defiant, violent verbally or physically, hyperactive, daydreaming, they don’t care, they provoke, they ….”

But those are not my main concern. This is just the symptom.
The root cause is the issue.

𝐌𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝.

The self-confidence that slowly disappears, the self-value, the self-worth… are all slowly going.
𝑊ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑣𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑠ℎ, 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑜𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑣𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑖𝑡 … 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑏𝑜𝑑𝑦 𝑒𝑙𝑠𝑒’𝑠 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑠.

The life of negative self-talk starts, life dictated by fear begins.
Fear of rejection, fear of loss of control, fear of… and down goes the spiral.
𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑒ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑜𝑟𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑠𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑠𝑒𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑢𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒.

So the thing I focus on the most is to have them regain self-confidence.
And with that I don’t mean telling them how wonderful they are. How smart they are. How well they have done xyz.
“Good job”… that’s just talk. Just words.

𝐊𝐢𝐝𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬. 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬.

“You tell me you care about me, don’t say it. Prove it!

You say I’m doing well? Prove it, doing well with what, when, why and how?

You say “nice painting”? Everyone says that. What did you like about my painting?

You say you love me, mum and dad? Then why do you look more on your phone than to me?
Why don’t you spend time with me… with me… not your phone, not your TV, not your kitchen.

𝑃ℎ𝑦𝑠𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠𝑛’𝑡 𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒.
𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠𝑛’𝑡 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑝ℎ𝑦𝑠𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒.

𝐊𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬, 𝐚 𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡, 𝐚 𝐡𝐮𝐠, 𝐚 𝐥𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡, 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬, 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬…”

One of the things I like doing with the older kids is asking them first where they think their strengths are.

What are you good at? The older they get, the less they know.
𝐼𝑠𝑛’𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔?

Let me tell you the story of one of my 17-year-old AuDHD boys.
The sweetest kid. But depressed by life, losing hope in the future.
I asked him what he thinks he is good at. What are your strengths?
He couldn’t come up with even one.

This is a common phenomenon, but usually you get at least one or two things out of them to start with and then you go from there.

𝐋𝐞𝐭’𝐬 𝐝𝐨 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲.

𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑓 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑚𝑒𝑑?
It starts with an idea. Somebody said something, for example.
I get the idea in my head. It’s like a tabletop.
A tabletop alone cannot stand. It has no legs. So it’s just an idea… for now!
But our brains work in a way that says… go find proof for your idea!

Let’s say dad tells you, you are stupid. It’s just an idea.

Now the teacher tells you “Are you deaf? Are you stupid? Why don’t you understand this the first time I tell you?”
Now that created a leg for the table. Still it can’t stand.

Now mum tells you “How often do I have to tell you xyz…” = a second leg.

Now your dad tells you again you are stupid because of another xyz… and you have the 3rd leg. Now the table starts to stand.
𝐼𝑡’𝑠 𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑤𝑜𝑏𝑏𝑙𝑦, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔.

Now we add another situation and we have 4 sturdy legs 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑎 𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑠𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑚𝑠 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑜 𝑎 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑓.

More situations and more legs… making the belief almost unshakable because all the legs form a block underneath the tabletop.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐬… 𝐰𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐟 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 … 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑏𝑙𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑑 𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠 𝑤𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑎𝑡.

So how do we undo false beliefs?
𝐵𝑦 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑜𝑓 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑠𝑖𝑑𝑒.

I gave him a list with things AuDHD kids are usually good at. And it’s a long list.
We went through all of them and tried to find examples in his life for it.

85 percent he could identify those strengths in himself.
10 percent he didn’t (yet), but I made him understand that he is on the way to develop those skills right now.
And around 5 percent were not his. That’s fine.
We don’t check all the boxes, that’s normal. We are not angels, so…

He looked at the list, had really big eyes and asked if he could take it home with him.

He said he would like to show it to his parents. I told him, his list is his. I will not keep it. And while it’s nice to have it, I need him to internalize it.
And every time he goes out in the world now… I need him to find proof for any of those strengths.

He smiled and said “I want to show that to my dad.”
I asked him why?
He said: “Because he always tells me that I’m lazy and if I would just focus more I would be better and whenever my parents are asked about me, they never know what to say. They just say ‘Oh he is happy.’

My sister is “creative and all those things”, but I’m ‘happy’.
Maybe this list can give them some ideas what to say to people.”
When I told mum about this, she said “It’s true what he says. I never realized that.”

𝐴𝑡 ℎ𝑜𝑚𝑒 (𝑖𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑠 ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑎), 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 𝑡𝑜𝑔𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑠 𝑎 𝑓𝑎𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑐𝑢𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑 𝑛𝑒𝑤 𝑙𝑒𝑔𝑠 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑛𝑒𝑤 𝑡𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒…

𝐻𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑘𝑖𝑑𝑠 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑔𝑡ℎ𝑠!

Learn about their strengths yourself and how to leverage them instead of focusing on the weak points so much.

Did you ever see people who were born with a handicap and other parts of the body took on the work instead?
People that are challenged with bad eyesight often develop extraordinary hearing skills or other sensory advantages.

Why would you focus on the bad eyesight as a major thing, knowing that there is no cure for it, instead of helping the child develop the hearing that will take over the work?

You find the strengths. They are not just there for decoration.
You have to learn to use them… and in the right way.

𝐵𝑒ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑜𝑟 𝑖𝑠𝑛’𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑏𝑙𝑒𝑚 … 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑖𝑠.

𝐁𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐬!