TL;DR:

Behind every “defiant” or “difficult” child, there’s a story you haven’t heard yet.
The boy everyone saw as a leader, a troublemaker, even violent … was actually deeply hurt, sensitive, and longing to be understood.

When I stopped trying to fix him and simply listened, he opened up.
He trusted me enough to share his inner world … and even made me a necklace, a rare act of connection that meant everything.

Children like him don’t need more punishment or strategies.
They need presence. They need adults who stay … who see beyond the behavior, read between the lines, and listen with patience, curiosity, and heart.

Because every behavior is communication. Every wall is protection.
And every child, no matter how “difficult,” is just asking one quiet question:

“Will you see me?… And will you stay?”

In my private 1 on 1 sessions I have a boy with AuDHD. In school he is the “leader”, most defiant, at times violent child. Everyone was at loss. Nobody saw, what he was really going through.

It took me about 2 sessions to gain his trust, he told me things about his inner world nobody else had access to. I cried after the session.

In front of me sat a child that was deeply hurt and confused and frustrated and nobody would understand. They tried but instead of guiding and helping they just add pressure and made things worse. The more they did their “well meant advice and strategies” the further they pushed him.

When I call parents and teachers out on this they are astonished and frustrated at the same time. They tell me it’s great that “you can figure things out like that but we can’t”.

Most of the time it’s frustration mixed with guilt, shame and hopelessness. At the same time relief, because there is somebody who can help fix this.

And I agree with it … at least partly.

First of all, why shame and guilt? No need, leave it at home. Let’s just presume that we all do our best with the tools that we have at our disposal at the time. Once we know better we can do better. And there is no blame in this. Easy.

Frustration, ok, because let’s be honest. It is frustrating to see the outer layer and not knowing how to help this child.

Hopelessness … no. Just be open and learn. And understand that the ways we grew up with is not necessarily the best for everyone walking on this planet.

What I do may be innate … apparently I was born like this. My father told me I did all this stuff already when I was little. But it’s a skill you can learn.

Sometimes, all you have to do is being present. And it sounds easier than it is at times, doesn’t it? We are overwhelmed by our own lives in the job, relationships, every day life … and kiddo is not helping. But here is the thing … you are the grown up. You chose this role for this child. So, take responsibility!

How you deal with your own stuff is a thing apart and you may need to find solutions to that. But you can not let that bleed into the life of the child.

So being present with the child , what does it mean … listen .. don’t answer, don’t try to find solutions … give space … allow the other person to just be and to be safe to explore their own solutions without fear.

Don’t offer solutions. But help them think of coming up with their own. They may be blocking with this at first because they are not used to be really allowed to do this before. But those kids are better at finding solutions than am FBI agent.

Don’t judge but be curious … and even if you think their method won’t work (and it may not … let them try. It’s through observation, trial and error those kids learn)

Just be there and give space. Your solutions are not his or hers. If they trusts you they will tell you what they need. Even indirectly or unconsciously. But you have to be curious, non judgemental and listen well and put your ego aside.

And while you’re at it, put their behaviors aside also. Stop paying attention to how they say or do things but what they actually say through all this. Read between the lines.

Not everything is verbal … every behavior is communication.

Did you know that anger is just a secondary emotion? So what’s underneath?

Instead of seeing the angry child. See the overwhelmed child, the frustrated child, the losing hope child, the scared child, the sad, the anxious, the lonely, the shamed, the misunderstood and the powerless child.

Don’t expect a child to open up just because you gave them ten minutes of your time and presence today. Deep wounds don’t dissolve overnight. They will push back. They will be guarded. They will test you … and sometimes even severely … just to see if you will stay.

If it matters to you, you stay. Through the pushback, through the walls, through the silences. And little by little, they start to believe you. Patience and loyalty are not optional. They are the bridge to trust. Sometimes it takes hours. Sometimes it takes months. But the moment they let you in is worth every second you waited.

So this boy I talked about at the beginning gave me something that I wore for an entire day refusing to take it off. He is not the kind of child that attaches to anyone or cares about anything … or let’s better say … he pretends to …

That day, we were making an activity. His mind started to wonder and he started crafting something out of a string and a straw. He chose a really bright green colour, you cant miss it. When he was done it turned out to be a (very weird) necklace. He gave it to me and told me to keep it. He doesn’t give presents. He doesn’t even do drawings to give to his teachers or his parents.

This necklace meant everything to me. What you see on the outside … anger, defiance, violence, verbal attacks, “not caring about anyone”, having the ability to cut everyone out in a heartbeat.

I found the whole contrary… he was extremely smart, asked questions to understand the world on a whole different level, he was funny, very sensitive, the problem was not that he didn’t care about anyone. The problem was that he cared too much and has been let down so many times in his short life already. So the walls built higher and higher.

But he wouldn’t show it to anyone. So this necklace … as weird and self-made it was … meant the world to me .

It showed me that I’m doing something right. I wore it the entire day, proud, despite the looks I got … in school and in the street. Proud because I knew who it came from and what it meant for him to give it to me.

This … make them feel seen, heard and understood … and valued … and you get to experience a whole different person underneath.

The necklace still hangs where I can see it. Not because it’s pretty, but because it reminds me: every child is asking to be seen.

The question is, will you be the one who listens?